Little Red Riding Hood - Roald Dahl

My brain doesn't want to play today, so instead we'll have another lovely fairy tale by the genius that is Mr. Roald Dahl.

As soon as Wolf began to feel
That he would like a decent meal,

He went and knocked on Grandma's door.

When Grandma opened it, she saw
The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin,
And Wolfie said, ``May I come in?''
Poor Grandmamma was terrified,
``He's going to eat me up!'' she cried.
And she was absolutely right.
He ate her up in one big bite.
But Grandmamma was small and tough,
And Wolfie wailed, ``That's not enough!
I haven't yet begun to feel
That I have had a decent meal!''
He ran around the kitchen yelping,
``I've got to have a second helping!''
Then added with a frightful leer,
``I'm therefore going to wait right here
Till Little Miss Red Riding Hood
Comes home from walking in the wood.''
He quickly put on Grandma's clothes,
(Of course he hadn't eaten those).
He dressed himself in coat and hat.
He put on shoes, and after that
He even brushed and curled his hair,
Then sat himself in Grandma's chair.
In came the little girl in red.
She stopped. She stared. And then she said,
``What great big ears you have, Grandma.''
``All the better to hear you with,'' the Wolf replied.
``What great big eyes you have, Grandma.''
said Little Red Riding Hood.
``All the better to see you with,'' the Wolf replied.
He sat there watching her and smiled.
He thought, I'm going to eat this child.
Compared with her old Grandmamma
She's going to taste like caviar.
Then Little Red Riding Hood said, ``But Grandma,
what a lovely great big furry coat you have on.''
``That's wrong!'' cried Wolf. ``Have you forgot
To tell me what BIG TEETH I've got?
Ah well, no matter what you say,
I'm going to eat you anyway.''
The small girl smiles. One eyelid flickers.
She whips a pistol from her knickers.
She aims it at the creature's head
And bang bang bang, she shoots him dead.
A few weeks later, in the wood,
I came across Miss Riding Hood.
But what a change! No cloak of red,
No silly hood upon her head.
She said, ``Hello, and do please note
My lovely furry wolfskin coat.''

One of Those Days

Some days wouldn't you just rather be..... 'Somewhere Else'?

Like here maybe?

Or here?

Or what about here?

Or on a really bad day?

or finally, failing all else, how about here?

You see the world is full of idiots, present company excepted of course! (you're all wonderful...no really, you are).  I'm talking about the rest of  'em...people who are probably wonderful in real life too, but not when they cross our paths in an official capacity.  You know the kind, the ones that sit at the other side of a desk, and say things like "it's not in my job remit to know the answer to that" or "computer says noooooooo" or my favourite " that's an entirely different department, I can give you the telephone number but they won't be there now".

They drive the buses that come late and then set off before you sit down, causing you to throw out your already bad back and shoulder..... and stop so suddenly at your bus stop that you end up being ejected as if from the cockpit of a plane that is about to plummet to earth.

They stand behind shop counters chewing gum, inspecting their nails and chatting to their colleagues while you stand there waiting to be assisted......which is after all their job!  When they finally acknowledge you and you politely ask if they have any of whatever it is you want, they look blankly at you, shrug and say "If it's not on the shelf, we haven't got any".  Grrrrrr!

Never mind, keep calm and go to your happy place.  I'll meet you there and we'll get stinking drunk and then sleep for two days.  I'm sure we'll wake up to a perfect world where everyone is kind and helpful.  If not I'll book us all a one way ticket to the Moon..... That's sorted then!

Project 50 - Chapter 1

After weeks of rigorous planning and reading of maps, I donned my slippers and rubber gloves grabbed my flash and sponge and set off in search of an amazing and mystical land.  Using my compass, I negotiated many obstacles, leaving a trail of Twix wrappers in case I got lost.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do when I found this strange and wondrous place but I had heard rumours that there was food and water, and people spoke of strange activities such as 'Washing Up', 'Cooking' and the strange and previously unheard of 'Putting the Rubbish Out'.

As I rounded a box of books and stepped over a bag of shot glasses (What? They'll come in handy one day) .... I finally saw it......the entrance to that esoteric land known only as... 'The Kitchen'!  It was hidden under black bags and piles of cups and plates, but I was pretty sure I had the right place.  I could see something they call a microwave in the far corner, and goodness, was that a window above the sink?  There was a peculiar bright light emanating from the aperture, a startling sight indeed.  I had heard of such magical things back in the world of 'The rest of the House' but to find that I actually had a window of my own was a staggering discovery.

I held the flash spray in front of me with both hands as I gingerly approached the sink, worried that a fork or a spoon might jump out and attack me. I had heard many tales of aggressive cutlery, and the crockery didn't look very friendly either.

I knew I would have to go back for more supplies, my flash spray and sponge were not going to make a dent in this mighty task.  I made my way back to the 'Lounge' room, following the trail of Twix wrappers I had so prudently laid earlier, where I retrieved my box of cleaning supplies. Of course I had a little rest and a cup of coffee to prepare to tackle the thing that couldn't be done...... and then..... I did it!

NB  It didn't look like this.

My favourite Authors (Robert Crais)

I love to read and I still prefer real books made out of paper! Mind you, I haven't got one of those e-reader things so I don't really know whether I'd like them or not.  I was also the last in my family to get a mobile phone .....so obviously I'm a bit of a dinosaur.  There is something very special about books, you get drawn in to other worlds (albeit imaginary ones) and a good author weaves credible and interesting characters.  One of my favourites is  Robert Crais whose main protagonist is 'The World's Greatest Detective' Elvis Cole.  Elvis seems a bit eccentric with his bright yellow 1966 Corvette, his cat with no name and a wonderfully sarcastic turn of phrase, but he is a very clever man who won't leave a case alone until he has solved it.

After reading all of Robert's books, I feel like I know Elvis and his friend Joe Pike very well indeed. (Yes, I know they are not real), but to me they almost are, such is the strength of the writing.

I have met Robert Crais ..... and what a lovely man he is too.  My Dad and I went to see him on his European Tour of the novel 'The Two Minute Rule', one of his stand alone books.
The signing was at a large Borders Store in Preston which sadly is no longer there and he was very friendly, reading an extract and taking questions from the audience.

Me and Dad are in this picture...can you find us?

We bought copies of the book and he signed them for us and chatted a while. We also had our photo's taken with him (which I will put on here, if and when I work out how to do it as they are not on my computer).  I'll admit I was quite starstruck, as not only is Robert one of my favourite writers but he's also extremely handsome.  If you want to know more about him you can visit his website at http://www.robertcrais.com/  and another brilliant website for books is  http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/ where you can find all your favourite authors along with links to their websites and lists of all their books in order.

Just a few interesting facts before I go.  Crais was born in Louisiana where he grew up on the banks of the Mississippi. In 1976 he went to Hollywood where he soon found work writing scripts for some of the best televisions shows of the time, including Hill Street Blues, Miami Vice and Cagney & Lacey (incidentally, three of my favourite shows). He created Elvis Cole, using elements of his own life as the basis of the story.  The resulting novel 'The Monkey's Raincoat', won the Anthony and Macavity Awards and was nominated for the Edgar Award.  It has since been selected as one of the 100 Favourite Mysteries of the Century by the Independent Mystery Booksellers Association. 

I have read all his books at least four times and still find them just as interesting.  Some people can't see the point of reading a book more than once, but I like the comfort of the familiar characters, and I'm sure I'll read them many more times. There's just one tiny criticism I have for Robert, and if I meet him again I will ask him to please......

WRITE FASTER... 

Albert and the Lion

Today's poem is for my Brother.  He loves this one and recites it brilliantly, it sounds best in a Lancashire accent of course. Enjoy.

ALBERT AND THE LION by MARRIOTT EDGAR

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh-air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was their Albert
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much to the ocean
The waves, they was fiddlin' and small
There was no wrecks... nobody drownded
'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.

So, seeking for further amusement
They paid and went into the zoo
Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big lion called Wallace
His nose were all covered with scars
He lay in a som-no-lent posture
With the side of his face to the bars.

Now Albert had heard about lions
How they were ferocious and wild
And to see Wallace lying so peaceful
Well... it didn't seem right to the child.

So straight 'way the brave little feller
Not showing a morsel of fear
Took 'is stick with the'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear!

You could see that the lion didn't like it
For giving a kind of a roll
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im
And swallowed the little lad... whole!

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence
And didn't know what to do next
Said, "Mother! Yon lions 'et Albert"
And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed!"

So Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Quite rightly, when all's said and done
Complained to the Animal Keeper
That the lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it
He said, "What a nasty mishap
Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?"
Pa said, "Am I sure? There's his cap!"

So the manager had to be sent for
He came and he said, "What's to do?"
Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert
And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too."

Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller
I think it's a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert
And after we've paid to come in!"

The manager wanted no trouble
He took out his purse right away
And said, "How much to settle the matter?"
And Pa said "What do you usually pay?"

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone
She said, "No! someone's got to be summonsed"
So that were decided upon.

Round they went to the Police Station
In front of a Magistrate chap
They told 'im what happened to Albert
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his o-pinion
That no-one was really to blame
He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing
"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she
"What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"

The Cleverness of Ladies

Many moons ago I started making Greeting cards, and from there moved into scrapbooking.  Unfortunately as I am a bit technologically challenged, none of my stuff is in a format which I can show you here.

However, I can introduce you to my two protogee's (I'll get in bother for that one).  I taught them everything they know, (I'll get in even more bother for that one).  Without me they'd be nothing, (I think I'm seriously pushing my luck now).

Anyway, were was I?  Oh yes....the ladies in question are my Mum and my Sister.  They both make cards......beautiful cards. 

They have also scrapbooked, but at the moment seem to prefer the quick fix projects of cards.

Mum shows the world her cards on http://www.ukscrappers.co.uk/ under the name of philthetog.

and my sister has her own blog at http://www.triciaberry.co.uk/ called Doodles and Swirls.

They have both made so many beautiful cards, I have just picked a few of my favourites.
Here is another from Mum.
    

...and another from Tricia.

......and oh how these ladies love their stash!  Paper, ribbons, brads, all sorts of clever machines and cutters, flowers of every possible colour and size.  Stash is heroin for cardmakers - I still have quite a lot of it myself even though I haven't made any cards for quite a while.

I bet you didn't know that a cardmaker/scrapbooker has to buy at least two peices of each fancy paper, one for using and one for looking at and stroking!  There is nothing more soothing than an afternoon spent playing with your stash.  It never gets any tidier, but at least you have a lot of fun.

Do go and visit them and look at what else they have made and I'll show you some more on another day.

Cinderella by Roald Dahl

Today I thought I'd share one of my favourite poems with you.
Hope you all enjoy it.
                                   -x-

I guess you think you know this story.
You don't. The real one's much more gory.
The phoney one, the one you know,
Was cooked up years and years ago,
And made to sound all soft and sappy
just to keep the children happy.
Mind you, they got the first bit right,
The bit where, in the dead of night,
The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all,
Departed for the Palace Ball,
While darling little Cinderella
Was locked up in a slimy cellar,
Where rats who wanted things to eat,
Began to nibble at her feet.

She bellowed 'Help!' and 'Let me out!
The Magic Fairy heard her shout.
Appearing in a blaze of light,
She said: 'My dear, are you all right?'
'All right?' cried Cindy .'Can't you see
'I feel as rotten as can be!'
She beat her fist against the wall,
And shouted, 'Get me to the Ball!
'There is a Disco at the Palace!
'The rest have gone and I am jealous!
'I want a dress! I want a coach!
'And earrings and a diamond brooch!
'And silver slippers, two of those!
'And lovely nylon panty hose!
'Done up like that I'll guarantee
'The handsome Prince will fall for me!'
The Fairy said, 'Hang on a tick.'
She gave her wand a mighty flick
And quickly, in no time at all,
Cindy was at the Palace Ball!

It made the Ugly Sisters wince
To see her dancing with the Prince.
She held him very tight and pressed
herself against his manly chest.
The Prince himself was turned to pulp,
All he could do was gasp and gulp.
Then midnight struck. She shouted,'Heck!
I've got to run to save my neck!'
The Prince cried, 'No! Alas! Alack!'
He grabbed her dress to hold her back.
As Cindy shouted, 'Let me go!'
The dress was ripped from head to toe.

She ran out in her underwear,
And lost one slipper on the stair.
The Prince was on it like a dart,
He pressed it to his pounding heart,
'The girl this slipper fits,' he cried,
'Tomorrow morn shall be my bride!
I'll visit every house in town
'Until I've tracked the maiden down!'
Then rather carelessly, I fear,
He placed it on a crate of beer.

At once, one of the Ugly Sisters,
(The one whose face was blotched with blisters)
Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe,
And quickly flushed it down the loo.
Then in its place she calmly put
The slipper from her own left foot.
Ah ha, you see, the plot grows thicker,
And Cindy's luck starts looking sicker.

Next day, the Prince went charging down
To knock on all the doors in town.
In every house, the tension grew.
Who was the owner of the shoe?
The shoe was long and very wide.
(A normal foot got lost inside.)
Also it smelled a wee bit icky.
(The owner's feet were hot and sticky.)
Thousands of eager people came
To try it on, but all in vain.
Now came the Ugly Sisters' go.
One tried it on. The Prince screamed, 'No!'
But she screamed, 'Yes! It fits! Whoopee!
'So now you've got to marry me!'
The Prince went white from ear to ear.
He muttered, 'Let me out of here.'
'Oh no you don't! You made a vow!
'There's no way you can back out now!'
'Off with her head!'The Prince roared back.
They chopped it off with one big whack.
This pleased the Prince. He smiled and said,
'She's prettier without her head.'
Then up came Sister Number Two,
Who yelled, 'Now I will try the shoe!'
'Try this instead!' the Prince yelled back.
He swung his trusty sword and smack
Her head went crashing to the ground.
It bounced a bit and rolled around.
In the kitchen, peeling spuds,
Cinderella heard the thuds
Of bouncing heads upon the floor,
And poked her own head round the door.
'What's all the racket? 'Cindy cried.
'Mind your own bizz,' the Prince replied.
Poor Cindy's heart was torn to shreds.
My Prince! she thought. He chops off heads!
How could I marry anyone
Who does that sort of thing for fun?

The Prince cried, 'Who's this dirty slut?
'Off with her nut! Off with her nut!'
Just then, all in a blaze of light,
The Magic Fairy hove in sight,
Her Magic Wand went swoosh and swish!
'Cindy! 'she cried, 'come make a wish!
'Wish anything and have no doubt
'That I will make it come about!'
Cindy answered, 'Oh kind Fairy,
'This time I shall be more wary.
'No more Princes, no more money.
'I have had my taste of honey.
I'm wishing for a decent man.
'They're hard to find. D'you think you can?'
Within a minute, Cinderella
Was married to a lovely feller,
A simple jam maker by trade,
Who sold good home-made marmalade.
Their house was filled with smiles and laughter
And they were happy ever after.

In My Opinion

     When I was a child, I felt quite proud to live in the same town as 'Red Rum' and always felt a little thrill on Grand National Day.  It seems to me, looking back, that this gorgeous horse won every year. My Dad always put 10p each way bets on 'Red Rum' for me and my brother, so we won even when he came second.
     I don't recall feeling any sense of pity for the horses made to run this gruelling race with its ridiculously high fences and crowded course.  If a horse fell over or unseated its rider I thought nothing of it. Or if I did, my childish brain just assumed it got back up again and all was well.

     Nearly forty years later, I watched this years Grand National with my heart in my mouth, cringing at every fence, as these magnificent thoroughbred creatures succumbed to the horror that is the most famous steeplechase in the world.

     Forty beautiful beasts started the race this year, only fifteen finished. Two horses perished, 'Synchronised' and 'According to Pete'. I feel sympathy for the owners trainers and riders, but they chose to subject their animals to this ordeal, not least to claim glory for themselves.  The horses just like running, wherever it may be. I can't know for sure of course, but I would suspect that most horses given their druthers would prefer to run free over fields or beaches, without some tiny chap on their back screaming and beating seven bells of manure out of them to make them go faster.

     Thirty-three horses have died as a direct result of the Grand National since 1973.  Personally I think that's thirty-three too many. Can you imagine if it were dogs dying as a consequence of being shown at Crufts?  There would be a national uproar and Crufts would be immediately banned.

     For a country of animal lovers we seem curiously blind to the cruelty of this sport.  Perhaps 'Synchronised' had the right idea when he unseated his rider and ran away before the start of this years race.  Maybe he had a premonition.....

                                          Red Rum - by Derek Holden

Is there anybody there?

Help!  I don't know what I'm doing.... I seem to be stuck inside this blog. This is my first attempt, so brace yourselves, it could get messy. I have no particular theme in mind. I'd like it to be a mixture of things I am interested in; reading, crafting, films, TV, History, news, chocolate, cake....all sorts of things really, whatever tickles my fancy.

The blog design will be pretty basic until I get my sister on the job to pretty it up a bit, so if you don't fancy hanging around I'll understand.  There are lots more interesting things to read out there.  Don't tell anyone but I'll be reading them myself later.  On the other hand, if you fancy sticking around, I'll try and post something interesting most days.

I'm off to see if this has worked, might have to do it all again in a minute.... I'll probably click the wrong button.  I'm not thick, honest, just don't know my way around a blog yet.  Wish me luck!