My Day Out

I've been out for the day today.  I went to Southport and below is a picture of the house we lived in before we moved here in 1975.  We had the upstairs put in when my sister was tiny and my new bedroom was at the back.

.

Southport is somewhat famous for being the seaside town with no sea, so I took a stroll down the Coast Road to see if I could see the sea....

...... I couldn't see the sea!

So I thought, I know I'll go and see if I can see the sea from the end of the pier

.... but no, I couldn't see the sea from there either

Oooo! Look, is that the sea I see?

No, don't get excited. it's not the sea, it's the lake!!

Now some of you may be wondering, how on earth did she get to Southport and how could she wander around all day with that bad back?  Well I did go and I did wander around, but I never got out of my chair or left the house.... I went via google maps, you know, the ones you can climb into and walk around in.  How flippin' fantastic is that?  I can go anywhere, the world is my lobster...er...oyster!

I think we'll have more days out, so please leave any suggestions of where you might like to visit, in the comments of this post and I'll see what I can do.

A Story Wot I Wrote

Not quite the right time of year for this, but never mind. Hope you enjoy it.

 GROW YOUR OWN

Times were tough, so this year Gucinda was going to grow her own Christmas dinner.  The meat would be delicious, flavoured with whatever yummy goodies she fed it.  Gucinda didn’t want the responsibility of raising one from birth and she supposed, there was always the possibility she would become attached, and that would be the end of Christmas dinner.  Gucy Gander down the road had made that mistake and now had a whole family of the things running round her garden.

So, two weeks ago she had sent her husband Gus to the market to pick up a more mature specimen that she could fatten up herself.  Of course, she should have gone with him as Gus came back with the scrawniest, straggliest critter she had ever seen.  It was going to be embarrassing if she couldn’t get it plump enough in time.  Oh, the humiliation when the in-laws came if she fed them this….this…pathetic creature.

It was a good job it was only September, because at first, ‘Dinner’ as she had christened him, wouldn’t eat a thing put in front of him.  She tried tempting him with tasty morsels of grass but no, he just shook his head obstinately and sat there arms folded, grimacing at everything she offered.

Sighing heavily Gucinda looked pleadingly at her husband. 

“What do they eat?” she asked him “he doesn’t seem to like our food.”
 “Okay, okay,” he laughed.  “Stop with the tortured look, I’ll ask Old Mrs. Goocilla tomorrow, she’s been breeding them for years.”
“Thankyou dear, now go and make sure he’s locked up for the night before we go to bed, don’t want him escaping after all this trouble I’m going to.”

The following morning, as promised, Gus waddled down to the village to see Old Mrs. Goocilla.  He couldn’t believe his eyes when he rounded the corner into her yard.  There were humans everywhere, dozens of them and they were all so fat and juicy looking.  His mouth began to water.

“Hey, Gus, over here,” Old Mrs. Goocilla shouted from behind a particularly large female who had her face deep in a bucket of something which smelled delightfully sweet.  Startled by the sudden noise of voices, the female dropped the bucket and ran over to a group of humans who were all chattering unintelligibly.  Their faces were covered in some sort of brownish goo and their eyes darted around the yard seemingly searching for more.  They were quite a motley crew, all shapes, sizes and ages.  Some of them looked quite wild, while others just shuffled on the spot and stared at the ground.

 “What can I do for you Gus?”  Mrs. Goocilla asked.  “Do you want me to reserve one for you this year?”

“Oh no, no, we can’t afford one of yours this year, delicious as they are.  I’m afraid we’ve had to buy a runt, but he won’t eat anything we give him, just sits there looking grumpy.  I was wondering if you could give me some advice.”
“I can do better than that young man,” she replied.  “Come and have a look in the barn, you won’t believe the stuff they eat.”  She shuddered and added, “It smells good but euugh!  It sure makes them plump and tender though.”

 As Old Mrs. Goocilla pulled open the barn door, Gus gasped.  He couldn’t believe his eyes.  Boxes and boxes, stacked floor to ceiling of something called Gadbury’s Chocolate Selection Boxes.  “Wow!” he exclaimed, “where did you get all this from, and what’s chocolate?”

“Chocolate’s the stuff they eat, some sort of sugary milky stuff.  It fattens ‘em up wonderfully though and they love it.  I import it from a place in America.  Gadbury’s is a farm animal food supplier and they let me have it at a very reasonable price, if I take the ones with short use by dates.  So reasonable in fact, that seeing as it’s your first time growing your own, I’m going to give you enough to see you through to Christmas.”  She chortled as she added “I mean it’s only for the humans’ right?  It doesn’t have to be the freshest.”  Gus smiled at her logic.  He thanked her profusely and staggered home under three boxes of the stuff.  He would return tomorrow with the wheelbarrow for the rest.  Gucinda would be delighted he thought, she had been so worried, what with his family flying over for the holidays. 

When he got home, he showed Gucinda what he had brought her.  She jumped up and down excitedly and threw her wings round his neck.  “Oh, that’s fantastic Gus, isn’t Mrs. Goocilla kind? We’ll have a lovely Christmas dinner after all.”

Gus and Gucinda went outside to feed their human and stood watching proudly as he fell upon the chocolate greedily.  After watching it chomp through the sticky food, and fall asleep with a smile on its face, they looked up at the stars glittering in the night sky and sang their favorite holiday song.

  

Christmas is coming,

The human’s getting fat.

Please put a penny

In the old goose’s hat

If you haven’t got a penny,

A ha’penny will do.

If you haven’t got a ha’penny, then God bless you.

© Tracey 2011

One Liners

.... The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death!

... Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Really? ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

... I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.

... The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the Oxfam shop to get all her clothes back.

.. .A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him about it he reckoned he could stop any time.

... I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they were still walking about with it. I thought to myself . . . they've lost the plot!

... My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow that," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

... Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

... I was at a Cash Machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

... I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

... I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

Did I Tell You?

Did I tell you I'm 50 this year?  No?  Where have you been hiding...'cos I'm telling everyone?  When I was about fourteen, I asked a lady how old she was and she told me she was thirty four.  I thought that was positively ancient.... now I yearn for thirty-four *sigh*. As a child I used to work out how old I was going to be at each of the Olympics with particular emphasis on the 2000 games because it seemd sooo far away, when I would be thirty-eight.... I know, soooo old, and here I am three Olympics later staring down the barrel of 50.

Somehow it doesn't seem so old anymore.....

Oh dear.  I've just googled Celebrities who are turning 50 this year and it has to be said that one or two of them are starting to look a bit ropey.  Does anyone recognise this chap?

No?  How about now?

Come on Mum, don't let me down..........

That's right, it's Andrew McCarthy from the film 'Mannequin' which incidentally contains another of my favourite songs ever.

But I digress...where was I? Ah yes, did I tell you I'm 50 this year? Oh, Sorry, done that bit.
Finally, for my 50th Birthday, I'd like......

......to be 20

Thanks awfully x

Woof Woof!

I would love to really want a dog.... a small lazy one that doesn't like going for walks.
Sometimes it seems like a good idea and then I see my friend's dog lick his bottom when he's had a poo and I think hmmm, am I really a dog person?  I've had boyfriends, they didn't lick their bottoms when they'd had a poo but they weren't half a lot of work. They needed far too much feeding, exercising and amusing.

They say that dogs are man's best friend, but I wouldn't let my best friend chew my slippers or pee in my garden...well not unless she was absolutely desparate.  So are there any small lazy dogs out there?

I believe I have found the perfect one for me (If I ever decide to get one).  The Bolognese isn't so much a lazy dog, more a dog for a lazy or physically unfit person.

This breed is thought to have descended from breeds like the Bichon Frise in Southern Italy.  It first became popular in the late 1700's - early 1800's as a companion dog among the royal courts and nobility in Spain and other parts of Europe. The Bolognese is quite a sturdy toy dog (although I would try very hard not to accidentally sit on it) and doesn't need a great deal of space. It tends to weigh between 8 - 14 pounds  and is a playful but not overly active dog with occasional rather than every day walks being good. It likes children, doesn't shed much and is totally cute as a button.  What's not to like?  I wonder, is it better to have a boy or a girl dog and what would I call it? Let's see.... how about Agnolotti for a girl and Campanelle for a boy? (types of pasta if you're wondering)

Finally, here are some amusing definitions from a doggy's point of view.

LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: A liquid that, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get drool on the human.

SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.

DUSTBIN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old sweet wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.

BATH: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "Sit!" especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

Who Do I Complain To?

I'm exasperated!  Yes, I like that word...exasperated.  One of my favourite series of novels is by the author Lee Child and is about an ex Military Policeman called Jack Reacher.  Since leaving the Military, Jack has drifted around the USA seeing the country through the eyes of a civilian and bumping into problems here and there.  He is blonde, blue-eyed, six foot five inches tall and built like a brick... er outhouse.  So who do they get to play him in a film? 

Tom Cruise........

Yes, that's right, teeny tiny Tom Cruise.  Dark hair, five feet seven and most certainly not built like a brick outhouse.  I'm outraged.  Ooo! That's better than exasperated. Who casts these films?  Do they even read the books?  Why has Lee Child allowed it? This is nearly as bad as Morgan Freeman being cast as James Patterson's Alex Cross in 1997.  Alex is a huuuge huuuuge man, thirty something years old with young children and a Grandmother still fit enough to look after his kids.  Morgan Freeman, although a very good actor was sixty years old in 1997 and certainly nothing like I had ever imagined the character of Alex Cross.

However, it would appear in the case of Alex Cross that the powers that be have at last seen sense and have recast the part for future films, the first one of which is called 'Alex Cross' and will be released in November of this year.

When I was researching this post (does that make me sound like a real writer?) I discovered that the role was originally going to be taken over by Idris Elba (below) who played Luthor in the British mini series of the same name, but things have apparently changed and they have gone with Tylor Perry (above) instead.

This seems like a much better choice than Morgan Freeman who is after all now seventy-five (not that there is anything wrong with being seventy-five of course) and also means I'm more likely to watch future films in the Cross genre.... I refused point blank to watch the first two.  I will not, however, be watching the new Jack Reacher film!

Project 50 - Chapter 2 (The Front Room)

I'm going in.........
............ If I'm not out by Thursday, send a search party!

Never Forget

On this day in 1916 the British Army suffered its worst day, losing 19,240 men on the first day of the Battle of the Somme. By the time fighting paused in late autumn 1916, the forces involved had suffered more than one million casualties, making it one of the bloodiest military operations ever recorded. Their sacrifice must never be forgotten.

Below is my Great-Grandad Henry (pictured during the war) who also died in France on 27th April 1918, aged 35, just seven months before the end of the First World War.

I will tell you more about Henry in a future post, but for today let us remember all those who lost their lives in the Battle of the Somme.