Er. . . . How Many Lives Do We Have?

Wheeeeeeee!

Missed again!

Grrr! There's a cat in my mirror!

Saving Christmas (First sentence provided by my Dad)

Father Christmas sat in his workshop scratching his head.  What was he going to do?  It was a complete

disaster.  He rang the local taxi firm for a quote, going pale when the reply was 17 million 225 thousand 6

hundred and 45 pounds... approximately!  He picked up his hammer and closing his eyes he smashed his

piggy bank open.  The contents were disappointing to say the least.  42 pound coins, 3 red buttons and a

mince pie.  A mince pie?  How the heck did that get in there he wondered, as he absent mindedly bit into it.

Delicious as it was however, this mince pie wasn't going to solve his problem.


He picked up the telephone and using the internal line he rang his wife. " Mary," he boomed down the phone,

"What are you doing my love?  I need your help."

Mrs Christmas sighed and said  "What now Fred, I'm up to my ears in Brussel Sprouts and mince pies."

"But I don't know what to do, it's unprecedented, everything usually runs so smoothly... what am I to do?"

Mary tutted and wiped her flowery hands on her Christmas themed tea towel, struggling to keep the

telephone tucked under her chin.  "I'll be there in a mo, my dear, stop panicking."  Turning round to make her

way to the workshop she tripped over an elf who let out a howl.  "Well, it's your own blummin fault for trying

to sneak up on me," she chastised him, "and don't eat any of them mince pies while I'm gone, or I'll make you

peel the rest of the sprouts."


As she hurried across the yard , muttering and tuttering to herself, Mrs Christmas noticed that the deer shed

was in darkness.  That's unusual, she thought, surely they can't be asleep yet, they hadn't had supper.

She always laid on a good spread on Christmas Eve Eve or as she liked to call it, the night before the night

before Christmas.  She made her special boozy mince pies (Comet's favourite) and her boozy cherry cake

(Rudolph's favourite, he thought the cherries looked just like his nose) and Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,

Cupid, Donner and Blitzen all loved her Brussel Sprouts... although Father Christmas wasn't too keen, as he

had to sit behind them as they pulled his sleigh on Christmas Eve, and you can imagine what that would be

like after each of the reindeer had consumed a sack of sprouts.  Poooo-wee!


As she entered the workshop and tapped her snowy boots against the door frame, she could hear her hubby

muttering and spluttering as he paced across the floor.  "Unheard of....never happened before.... there

should be rules... one night a year.... ONE NIGHT A YEAR!"

"Now then Fred, now then, what on earth is the matter?"  Mary interjected.

"Gone....gone,"  he replied.

"Gone?  Who .... gone where?

"How the jingle bells do I know... it's the reindeer, they're gone."  Suddenly he plopped down into his big red

chair and looking very sad he wiped away a tear from the corner of his eye.

"Did they say why?" Mary asked, trying to stay calm. Father Christmas pointed to a large piece of paper

pinned to the wall with the sharp bit of a bauble, his hand trembling as he did so.  The note was written in red

felt pen and said in capital letters...

WE ARE FED UP WITH WORKING EVERY CHRISTMAS, SO WE

ARE GOING ON HOLIDAY, SEE YOU IN THE NEW YEAR. 

Mary began to grasp the seriousness of the situation, no wonder Fred was stressed.

"Oh," she said, for there wasn't really much else to say.  Mary sat down on a little stool, usually reserved for

visiting elves and they both sat in silence for a good half hour.  Finally, Mary said quietly and firmly,

"We'll just have to find replacements... we can't let the children down.  Do you still have some flying potion?"

"Of course" said Fred "I've gallons of the stuff."

"Right" said Mary, "then there's nothing else for it, you'll have to ask for volunteers on Twitter."

"Ooo!, I never thought of that, what a truly terrific idea Mary, You're a genius!"

Father Christmas had set up a twitter account earlier that very year as a way for the children to tell him what

presents they wanted.  He felt he had to keep up with the times, and the 140 character tweet rule meant the

requests were usually kept to a reasonable length.  So, with Father Christmas feeling much happier, that's

just what they did.... who needs reluctant Reindeer?  He'd show them, although he'd have to get a torch

(Rudolph's red nose was usually enough light to see by).  Mary and Fred went to bed in a cheerful frame of

mind hopeful that the morning would bring good news.


And indeed it did.  Two thousand, four hundred and twenty-two replies.  Fred punched the air and as Mary

cooked him a huge Christmas Eve fry-up he trawled through the messages.  It was amazing how many

different animals wanted to help. There were lions (too scary), Giraffe's (too tall, he'd never see around their

necks), Wombles (what was a Womble he wondered) but finally he found a splendid solution, a pack of

perfectly proportioned penguins. He'd need more of them of course as they were rather smaller than

reindeer, but when he emailed them, the reply promised no shortage of volunteers. There was Pasha and

Polly, Percy, Peregrine, Petunia and Pavlo. Pamela, Perry, Pomeroy and Paulina....... Pavlusha, Plavlushka

and Pavlushshenko. Poppy, Portia, Posy and Priscilla, and finally Pavel, Polina, Presley and.....Eric!

Phew.....that was more than enough!  What's more, they just happened to be in possession of several

magic carpets (don't ask) and could be on their way immediately.


The Elves were very excited and knitted scarves and hats for the Penguins in double quick time, chatting

loudly whilst listening to 'Now that's what I call Christmas 6,597'.  Finally, just after half past two the visitors

arrived.  The magic carpets were stowed in the garage and everyone gathered in the workshop.  The Elves

gave out the new hats and scarves and Mrs Christmas served up big mugs of hot chocolate, generously

laced with flying potion.  Father Christmas explained the situation in more detail and a plan was drawn up.

At 6 pm, everyone (except Elfred the Elf, who had volunteered as alarm clock and Elsie the Elf who had

volunteered to make sure Elfred didn't fall asleep) settled down for a nap in preparation for the long night

ahead.  Upon waking at nine, more flying potion was drunk (just in case) and the sleigh was filled with

presents for children all around the globe.  The penguins were positively raring to go and when one of them

got hiccups everyone fell about laughing, until Mrs Christmas noticed him rising gently off the ground as each

hiccup triggered the flying potion.


Eventually, the clock ticked it's way to midnight and Operation Penguin was go...go....go!  Mary and the

Elves watched nervously when the sleigh picked up speed as it raced down the runway.... would it fly?

.................................... Yes, of course it would and did and all the presents were delivered intact and

on time.  The Penguins had saved Christmas.  Now you might be wondering what became of the reindeer.

Well, they arrived back home on the seventh of January to find that Fred and Mary Christmas had taken the

Elves and Penguins on a well earned holiday to Disney World, leaving a note which said....

FED UP WITH REINDEER, GONE ON HOLIDAY, SEE YOU AT EASTER.

                                                                                               by Tracey (Copyright 2013)

It's A Cracker!

What do angry mice send each other at Christmas?

Christmouse cards.

  

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?

They keep losing their needles.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

Christmas Crackers.

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

The Elf-abet.

What do Reindeer hang on their Christmas Tree?

Horn-aments

Why did the turkey join the band?

Because it had the drum sticks.

What athlete is warmest in winter?

A long jumper.

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?

A Mistle-Toad

Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on ebay?

Because they were two deer.

-x-

Merry Christmas

For a happy and successful Christmas you must...

1. Trudge round the shops in a panic on Christmas Eve whether you need anything or not (including being in the queue for Marks & Spencer's Food Hall before 8 am - mainly so you can say you were there)

2. Put the sprouts on to boil very earlier in the morning, nothing worse than undercooked sprouts.

3. Get up at 4 am (you need to be up then anyway, for the sprouts) so that you have time to hack the legs off the turkey when it won't fit in the oven.

4. Seeing as you're up, you might as well wake the kids up!

5. Seeing as you're up you might as well have breakfast....

6. Start drinking at breakfast.

7. Make sure you switched the oven on....

4. If you let the kids eat chocolate in the morning, make sure they keep eating it all day so they maintain a continuous sugar high. A sugar crash at this stage in the proceedings will ruin your day!

5. Make sure any family pets have full access to the presents prior to the opening ceremony, so they have plenty of time to tear all the gift tags off. It's so much funnier when your Mother-in-law unwraps the sexy lingerie you bought your wife or the new shaver you bought your husband.

6. Start eating Twiglets and Cheese Footballs mid-morning to soak up the alcohol.

7. Check that the champagne is drinkable by er.... drinking it.

8. When you sit down to lunch, make sure that you are at least three hours behind schedule and everyone has eaten so much crap while they were waiting that no-one is hungry any more.

 9.Try and have an actual mince pie with your Bailey's Extra Thick Double Cream.

10. Keep going until you have at least attempted every course, right through to the fruit and nuts from the festive basket on the sideboard.

11. Keep drinking.....

12. Take the chocolate away from the kids now, or they'll never go to sleep.

13. Watch Doctor Who.

14. Keep drinking....

15. Put the kids to bed. (Ok, put them upstairs and tell them to stay there!)

16. Fall asleep in the chair....

17. Wake up...have a drink and a turkey sandwich.

18. Go to bed.

If you can fit a few arguments in there (mainly about who forgot to buy the batteries and where the Philips screwdriver is), a broken prezzie or two and encourage the dog to play with the wrapping paper, you have the makings of the perfect day!

....And don't forget...

KEEEEEEEEEEEP DRINKING!

Merry Christmas. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Love Tracey x

What Do You Think Of It So Far....?

.....Rubbish!

Morecambe and Wise were, in my opinion, the funniest comedy duo ever. One of the best parts of the festivities was always sitting down to watch their Christmas show. Eric Morecambe didn't even have to say anything to be funny and Ernie was the perfect foil for his gags. Sometimes, while someone else was talking, Eric would turn and look into another camera, and just beam foolishly at it without saying a word. After a bit Ernie would join him, grinning over his shoulder. This was the sort of thing that even now can have me creased up with laughter.

Eric, born John Eric Bartholomew in 1926 and Ernie, born Ernest Wiseman in 1925 met as teenagers and became a vaudeville double act during the 1940's and 50's.

The duo's first TV show (Running Wild 1954) was a flop and one of the newspapers at the time said that the definition of TV was the box in which they buried Morecambe and Wise. Eric carried this cutting in his wallet for the rest of his life. After seven more years of live performing they landed a second TV show (Two of a Kind 1961-68). It was better written this time and made the duo famous. In 1968 they moved to the BBC with Eddie Braben as their scriptwriter, he seemed to understand them better than any previous writer. The Morecambe & Wise Show (1968-1977) was the amazing result of this team.

My favourite Morecambe & Wise sketch is "The Andrew Preview" sketch.

click here for short clip

click here for the full sketch

I'm playing all the right notes - but not necessarily in the right order.

- Eric Morecambe

Christmas editions of the show earned the highest viewing figures in British TV up to that point. Rumour has it that the National Grid had to prepare in advance for the surge in demand for electricity when the British public all put their kettles on at the end of the show. Another of my favourites is the "Singin' in the Rain" sketch. Click here to watch.

Ernie: I'll be doing Singin' in the Rain.
Eric: Oh, Gene Kelly did that very well...
Ernie: Yes, well, I'll do it that little bit better, won't I?

Well that's it for now, although I think we'll come back to Morecambe and Wise another time as they did so many wonderful things. Finally click here to see Eric at his absolute best, basically just being Eric doing his Paper Bag Trick. I hope you've enjoyed this little stroll down telly Memory Lane. Night night x

Not now, Arthur - Eric Morecambe