For a happy and successful Christmas you must...
1. Trudge round the shops in a panic on Christmas Eve whether you need anything or not (including being in the queue for Marks & Spencer's Food Hall before 8 am - mainly so you can say you were there)
2. Put the sprouts on to boil very earlier in the morning, nothing worse than undercooked sprouts.
3. Get up at 4 am (you need to be up then anyway, for the sprouts) so that you have time to hack the legs off the turkey when it won't fit in the oven.
4. Seeing as you're up, you might as well wake the kids up!
5. Seeing as you're up you might as well have breakfast....
6. Start drinking at breakfast.
7. Make sure you switched the oven on....
4. If you let the kids eat chocolate in the morning, make sure they keep eating it all day so they maintain a continuous sugar high. A sugar crash at this stage in the proceedings will ruin your day!
5. Make sure any family pets have full access to the presents prior to the opening ceremony, so they have plenty of time to tear all the gift tags off. It's so much funnier when your Mother-in-law unwraps the sexy lingerie you bought your wife or the new shaver you bought your husband.
6. Start eating Twiglets and Cheese Footballs mid-morning to soak up the alcohol.
7. Check that the champagne is drinkable by er.... drinking it.
8. When you sit down to lunch, make sure that you are at least three hours behind schedule and everyone has eaten so much crap while they were waiting that no-one is hungry any more.
9.Try and have an actual mince pie with your Bailey's Extra Thick Double Cream.
10. Keep going until you have at least attempted every course, right through to the fruit and nuts from the festive basket on the sideboard.
11. Keep drinking.....
12. Take the chocolate away from the kids now, or they'll never go to sleep.
13. Watch Doctor Who.
14. Keep drinking....
15. Put the kids to bed. (Ok, put them upstairs and tell them to stay there!)
16. Fall asleep in the chair....
17. Wake up...have a drink and a turkey sandwich.
18. Go to bed.
If you can fit a few arguments in there (mainly about who forgot to buy the batteries and where the Philips screwdriver is), a broken prezzie or two and encourage the dog to play with the wrapping paper, you have the makings of the perfect day!
....And don't forget...
KEEEEEEEEEEEP DRINKING!
Merry Christmas. Ho! Ho! Ho!
Love Tracey x
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