.... The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death!
... Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Really? ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
... I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.
... The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the Oxfam shop to get all her clothes back.
.. .A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him about it he reckoned he could stop any time.
... I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they were still walking about with it. I thought to myself . . . they've lost the plot!
... My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow that," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
... Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
... I was at a Cash Machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
... I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
... I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
I dont know were you got them from, but very funny.
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